


through his eyes

by hiddenclawsof



Series: #hyunlixcloud [8]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Felix is Confused, Friends to Lovers, Gaming, Hwang Hyunjin & Yang Jeongin | I.N are Best Friends, Hwang Hyunjin is Whipped, Hwang Hyunjin is a Mess, Kissing, Lee Felix is Whipped (Stray Kids), Loneliness, M/M, Mentioned Lee Minho | Lee Know, Mutual Pining, Pining, Rhetorical, Third Person's POV, Tiny Felix, food mentioned, hyuncam, only mentioned - Freeform, profanities, slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:42:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 10,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27677557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiddenclawsof/pseuds/hiddenclawsof
Summary: if only felix could see how hyunjin sees him, then maybe he'd learn to love himself a little bit more.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin & Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix
Series: #hyunlixcloud [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1942687
Comments: 68
Kudos: 121





	1. h.hj's eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> seeing felix through hyunjin's eyes but is narrated in third person.
> 
> this is highly inspired by hyuncam and how he said that his favorite is felix.
> 
> we need more hyunlix content. i said what i said.

**_prologue._ **

run, felix. run.

run until you can no longer move your legs;

until you can no longer flail your arms.

run until you're tired, until your lungs exasperate, until you feel your chest almost combusting.

_run._

just run.

because i will always find you.

i will always look for you,

look at you.

because even if you run, my eyes would still long for you.

_━━_

© z | 2020

_lots of profanities and rhetorics. please close your tab in case you're not comfortable with any of those._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ cc ](https://twitter.com/hiddenclawsof>%20twt%20</a>%0A<a%20href=)   
>  [ twt ](https://twitter.com/hiddenclawsof)
> 
> -z


	2. too late.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyunjin dreaded mornings, but felix was the sun so he did his best to sit up and look at the sun, _shining._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kind of changed my writing style here just to fit the ambiance of the story. but don't worry, it's still there. although, very subtle.

hyunjin woke up, feeling his body too sore for his liking. after spending at least a third of his day inside that  _ damned  _ practice room inside the jyp building, he knew for sure that he would suffer. although he knew, he still continued.

we all like suffering anyways.

the ceiling above him stared at him, almost as if it was mocking him for breathing and actually taking the leisure to rest. it was blank, plain and  _ wide _ , there was nothing there but it almost feels like  _ everything _ .

maybe there was everything in there. the cobwebs on the corner of his room is something. the rotten plank on the farthest side of the door is also something. and his closet, too, contains most of that everything.

the sun was looking for him. he just knew it.

because as soon as he felt the heat peeking through his thin shirt, he just felt as new, raw and sad for his being.

so much for being the visual, the center and the main dancer of a group.  _ so much _ .

he stretched his arm out towards the drawer beside his bed. it was short, stout, it can fill in almost nothing, but at least, the short distance from one end to the other serves its purpose as it holds hyunjin's phone.

his phone that holds his  _ entirety. _

he scrolled through the notification. kakaotalk messages, instagram likes and twitter mentions.  _ damn,  _ they're too much for him. if only he could bury the password of their official accounts inside his head, he would've logged them out, all at once.

but one thing is there.

_ one thing  _ that he can't just swipe away.

it was felix's name.

**_yongbokkie_** **.**

hyunjinnieeeeeee, may i borrow your hoodie?

my hoodies are in the laundry. i forgot to hang them last night.

but if you don't want to, it's fine!

i can just borrow from channie-hyung!

hold up.

who told felix that he didn't want to?

if only felix knew, hyunjin would  _ die  _ just to see him be enveloped by his very own large hoodies. he could offer his whole closet for felix and it will not even be funny. he could do so much for felix and felix might not notice.

because who would notice his budding feelings, if all he could ever do was stare at felix and wish for the heavens to open up and take him in?

hyunjin bolted up and ran to his closet to check for a hoodie that would fit the sunshine well. one that would make him look a little bit brighter, one that would blind their eyes--  _ his eyes- _ \- and emit the happiness that he was always asked to.  _ aaaah, felix, you're too much of a sunshine _ .

after sorting his garments, he finally saw it.

the black hoodie.

one that would make felix's blonde hair stand out. one that would enrich his honey-dipped skin and sporadic tanned constellations. one that would be the contrast to the highlight that a felix is-- the highlight of hyunjin's day, the highlight of his  _ life _ .

hyunjin fished out his phone and replied immediately, not paying any care to the time when felix had sent him a message. he was hopeful. he was wishing for felix to come inside his room and take all the pain, aches and sores of his body. drag it out of his holy and never have it come by and visit hyunjin's temple. he was wishing for  _ too  _ much that he didn't seem to care about anything but felix.

until he saw felix standing outside of his room by the door, smiling from his ear to the other, his blonde hair covering his eyebrows, sticking down to his eyelids and wearing a hoodie that's not his.

was he  _ too  _ late?

maybe he was.

but felix is there.

standing right there.

_ aaaaaaah. _

_ you shouldn't just stand there, felix. _

━━

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it's short, but there are still more chapters to come. ;)


	3. stop it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyunjin just wanted felix to stop so that he can finally stop himself too.

_stop it_. 

hyunjin didn't ask you to be so nice to him, felix. please, just stop it. no matter how hard you try to look tough, you're still that fluffball of a sunshine. so, _stop it._

stop smiling like that when he didn't ask you to. stop waving your hand at him as he ponder about the choices he did in his life.

stop looking so _beautiful_ , wearing somebody else's clothes when it should've been his.

stop trying to make his heart flutter.

he can no longer hold it in.

_fuck._

"are you okay hyunjin?" 

hyunjin wanted to tear those glinting eyes away. he wanted to stop staring, to stop feeling things.

why are your _eyes_ so nice, felix? why did you have to be _so_ nice?

"yeah," hyunjin pushed out a voice from his chest, he didn't even know he was holding some air in it, "i'm fine. is that chan's?"

hyunjin felt disappointed of himself. he shouldn't feel any of that anyway, but he does. felix was looking too pretty for his liking, too bright for his liking.

if felix wouldn't stop being the dream that he chases, then hyunjin wouldn't stop too.

if felix won't stop, hyunjin will not, too.

so _please_ , stop.

"yeah. but i figured i like yours more, can i borrow that?" 

he saw felix watching him cling onto the piece of clothing inside his arms.

if only you _knew_.

of course you can.

felix, you _always_ can.

hyunjin walked towards felix, thankful to not have any roommate and grabbed felix's very thin wrist and dragged him inside, completely forgetting the fact that he just woke up. his hair might stick everywhere, but it's okay, what else can he hide from you anyway?

"where are you going with my hoodie?" it was a question that hyunjin didn't really need an answer. he just wanted to listen to felix's hum, felix's grumble and low voice.

he'll do anything to _hear you,_ to _listen_ to you. he'll do anything for you felix, so please _just stop it_. he swears, he can _no_ longer hold it in; he'll cry, he'll scream, he'll tear his hair off if that is even possible.

he'll do _anything_ just to stop feeling the _pain_ , felix.

so _stop._

and tell him to stop.

"you wanna come with me?"

 _aaaaah_. _meanie._ he'll come with felix to the end of this journey. he'll come with you until you don't want his presence anymore; until you grew tired of his _shit_ and of everything that he has to offer.

he'll come with you.

until you no longer want him to.

so please felix, _stop_ and tell him that you want _this_ to stop.

because if you don't, he might fall in love and you wouldn't want hyunjin to fall in love with you, _don't you?_

"let's grab some food together."

it feels nice when felix said together, but there was something missing there. where's _forever?_

where was it when he needed it the most? where was it when he knew that he'll lose you? that someday you'll wake up and stop pretending that you don't notice him glaring at you, that you don't notice him staring at you, at your tiny hands, at your tiny face. that _someday,_ among all the other days where he was sure that he wouldn't feel anything for you, you'll realize that he was doing all of these because he likes you?

hyunjin likes you.

 _i like you_.

so _stop_ doing all of these to him, felix. he can't lose you. not today, not tomorrow and not all the other days in the future.

if he gets to spend his lifetime with you, only beside him and merely watching, he'll take risks.

after all, he loves risks. he loves adventure.

and you might just be the most _dangerous_ journey he has to venture.

so before he gets any further damage,

can you please _stop_ this?

_haha. pretty please, felix?_

"wear my hoodie, it's a lot _warmer."_

━━


	4. lies, mistakes and sins.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyunjin is everything, and most especially a liar, oblivious and a sinner.

little hands and little face. little fingers and little grace. everything's just so little for the bigger hyunjin and when those little fingers and little hands found their way to hyunjin's bigger ones, hyunjin was sure he wanted to just _lie._

"do you want some ice cream?"

 _no. i am in no position to eat some ice cream when i have a stage to prepare for, but if it's you who asked, i'll be more than willing to lie._ hyunjin nodded and watched felix walk up to the counter, wearing his black face mask, his cap, the _same_ hoodie and that same pretty face. how can someone so short look so tall at the same time? how can someone so tiny, occupy his whole heart at the same time?

he feels _so_ full. 

he might throw up.

"bok, just get me the smallest one."

it was supposed to be a whisper. a type of communication that meant secrets between each other. all that lies underneath their exteriors and remain only within their gazes, looks, reaches and _touches_.

but why does felix's voice sound _so loud_ to hyunjin's ear? why does it feel like the only thing he hears is felix and the dying beats of his heart?

_this can't be, felix. this can't be._

"buuuuuut-" _no, don't whine, you baby._

"i want to _share_ with you."

 _goddamn yes._ share it with him, felix. share everything you have with hyunjin. share your brownies, share your cookies. share your _time_ , your _passion_ , your _love_ for dogs and even your _life._ share your tears with him, he'll wipe them. share your pain, burdens, worries, share everything you can because hyunjin will carry all of them just to make you breathe a little bit easier.

"share what?" _dumb_. you didn't have to ask him that, hyunjin. _you're just hurting yourself_.

"share this _moment_ with you."

 _oooooh_. what would hyunjin have to give up just to share not moments with you but everything with you. but his heart is too weak for the precious that you are, he's feeling warm, he's probably just as pink as the strawberry ice cream that you want.

so go on, _please_ , just buy the ice cream and come back to him.

come back to where you _belong_.

and hyunjin will keep you safe.

 _damn those tiny hands._ they shouldn't feel cold from the dessert. they shouldn't hold a whole gigantic cup of frozen cream, but there you are, felix, walking to him with your stupid grin- _no, it isn't stupid_. of course, it isn't.

because something that makes you feel loved and makes you fall in love isn't stupid.

it's being naïve.

and here goes hyunjin, trying to believe anything that he wants to believe just because he doesn't want to admit that he's _falling_ albeit too quickly and too deep.

but it's felix.

and felix is a sunshine. someone who's cooing for everything and will never get mad at them for anything. 

felix wouldn't be mad, _right?_

"you should eat before it melts, hyunjin."

isn't he afraid of being recognized? _should he be afraid of being recognized?_ when all they ever dream about was to become known behind those make-up filled faces, struggling stomachs, growling and grinding and legs that waver?

to be free is to be caged.

is that what he really wants? is that what _they_ really want?

probably.

really, _probably._

because to be caged inside felix's trap is to feel free.

felix is freeing him.

so he can show himself. 

he's not afraid of being recognized. he loves it. he's only afraid of felix finally recognizing- that he's not afraid of their eyes, their ears and mouths. he's only afraid of felix's very own _little_ ones.

"make me."

hyunjin didn't believe it himself either. but hyunjin heard felix laughed. _he laughed_. at hyunjin's antics. at hyunjin's dumbness. he laughed. _oh god_. felix didn't hesitate and held the spoon inside his tiny hands. scooping a bit of the frozen dairy and bringing it up to hyunjin's lips.

if the heavens didn't want to take hyunjin in, then at least the hell will.

because right now, _he's sinning_.

"eat, baby."

his _lies_ , his _sins_ and his _mistakes_. 

an angel was in front of him, yet the depths of the earth was calling for him.

save him, at least, felix.

_save me, my angel._

━━

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i read the last two chapters i wrote and i thought the new writing style was pretty confusing. was it? _aaa_. just tell me if it is so i can adapt and change them. anw, thank you so much. ;)
> 
> [ cc](https://curiouscat.qa/hiddenclawsof)  
> [ twt](https://twitter.com/hiddenclawsof)
> 
> -z


	5. it does matter.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyunjin just wanted to know if he matters, if _anything_ he does matters to felix.

does it matter?

does it really matter who hyunjin is? what he is? whether he's a member of a worldwide korean boy group? whether he's friends- _bestfriends per se_ , with the man he's feelings thing for? _does it really matter?_

'cause at this point around, hyunjin didn't think it was.

because the day was clear, the dorm was free. members are out. some are to compose, to rap, to write lyrics and some are just there. right in front of him. gearing up his whisk, stainless bowl and a box of brownies and the necessary butter and measuring cups.

it may not be _some_ anyway because the only thing that hyunjin's looking forward to is felix after all.

so some it may be for other people, but to hyunjin it's _everything._

_he's everything._

so does it really matter if he sees felix in a different light than chan? that unlike chan who looks at felix as his soulmate, as a brother and someone he wants to protect, he sees felix as someone who may not be his soulmate, but someone he wants to protects as well but not as a brother? not as a friend, not as a bestfriend, most especially.

but as a _lover_?

does it matter?

if their sunshine didn't just brighten up his day, rather it brighten up his whole misery. taking him our of the shithole, forcing him to believe that someday it'll be okay?

 _please_ , tell him it doesn't.

"hyunjinnie, why are you just staring at me?" 

_what kind of question was that, felix?_

why wouldn't he stare at you?

when all you've ever done is to breathe and hyunjin would be so much more than willing to give his entire belongings to you?

"you're making brownies again?" state the obvious, hyunjin. just _state_ it. like it will take you away from the situation, state it and watch him intently.

"you said you wanted my brownies so i decided to bake again. we have a free day anyway."

 _it was for me._ it was for him! hyunjin felt the need to cower his head and hide it from felix's view. although felix's head tilted and emitted confusion, hyunjin bit his lip and breathed too heavily to calm himself down.

too raw, too pure. too much and too less. but all of those didn't mean that felix isn't perfect. _gosh, he, too, is also nearing perfection._

"don't you just want to sleep or play games? it's your usual." _please don't believe me, felix. i want to be with you. cook for me, bake for me, anything._

felix smiled a bit and tucked a piece of his fringe behind his ear. a hairband was place around his forehead and his left hand was already a mess from all the baking powder he just opened. he walked towards hyunjin and reached out his other hand, fluffing the golden hair and massaging his scalp.

hyunjin buried his head further to his bony arms.

"you're distancing yourself from me, i noticed it. so when you told me you missed my brownies, i just knew i had to _make_ you one." _why does your voice sound weak, felix? why did it matter that i am in fact distancing myself from you?_

tell him, felix. does it really matter what he does to himself? what he does to you? does it really matter if he wanted to move away and move on from you? does it really matter if he misses your brownies like how _hard_ he misses you?

"i am not. i'm just tired-"

"then _let_ me take care of you, hyunjin."

it wasn't the brownies he was longing for. it was _you_. it was the _whole you._ can you pop in a felix and make him from scratch? one that would accept hyunjin and his feelings. one whose smile would light his world up? _can you?_

so that it finally won't matter that hyunjin is your friend.

and that he should _always_ be.

"you look so sad, baby. why _can't_ you just tell me?"

because you'll _run,_ felix.

you'll _run_.

_help._

"do you need some help with that?"

━━

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't want this fic to be long but i think it'll be. :(


	6. dumbass.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyunjin knew that he was a dumbass, but though he knew, he still feels _hurt_ by it.

minho walked towards hyunjin and locked hyunjin's head inside his arms. he lowered his head and pressed his chin against the golden hair of the taller, muttering words that the taller didn't want to hear.

"felix probably knows."

now, if felix _actually_ knows, what would minho expect hyunjin to do then? should he stand up from where he's laying, throw his brand new phone mercilessly away and pace towards felix and his gaming room?

what did minho _expect_ him to do when hyunjin was so sure that minho didn't even know what felix _should_ know?

"what are you saying, hyung?"

hyunjin felt minho loosen his arms around him and sat across his legs. the weight of the older was carefully displaced over his limbs and for the first time in ages, he saw minho crack a _sad_ smile at him.

"i may not always show you that i adore you but i do adore you and i know you're feeling things for felix." _he didn't need to hear that from you, minho-_

"and if you won't stop being a coward, then you might _just_ lose him. so, _go_."

_go where exactly?_

the thing is, he didn't know where to go. _shocks_. he didn't even know that he was supposed to go anywhere. but something about minho looking at him pitifully makes him wonder.

if he went, would there be a felix waiting for him?

_aaaaaah. probably not._

"i don't know what you're saying, hyung." _stay dumb, act dumb and be dumb. it'll save you some time, some tears and some pain._

trust yourself, hyunjin.

_trust yourself-_

"but i know what this," minho pointed at his chest, "has been saying."

it sucks to know that minho was right. he was right all along. but sometimes, people just had to turn blind eye on what's right and what's wrong. if hyunjin gets to see felix by just simple breathing and hiding, he'd do it.

he'd do everything just to keep him safe.

just to keep you at _your place,_ felix.

_ting._

_**yongbokkie.** _

_baby_

_i'm playing league_

_do you want to join?_

what kind of a whipped man would say no to that question? how hard and how long should he state that he'll join you anytime and anywhere, felix? how many times does he need to slump his head over his pillow and mutter frustrations to it? _just how are you going to finally feel the same thing he's feeling for you, felix_ _?_

"i told you, hyunjin. you're gonna lose him."

_haha. dumb hyung._

he already lost him.

hyunjin wiggled his body and freed himself from minho's weight and minho's pitiful eyes. he pushed himself away from his bed that strangled him to his sorrow and urged every ounce of energy he had left at this sleep-deprived and _felix-deprived_ body to drag his feet across the floor and lean against the cold wall.

he can completely hear felix's curses and cusses.

he can completely hear felix's voice- _oh, that voice_ \- yet he chose to stare at his vacant bed and a standing brunette.

"you don't understand, hyung. the moment i felt _this_ , i already _lost_ him."

for the first time in years, he thought he was doing the right thing.

his mind began to wander and wonder. it went to places that he didn't know was possible to explore. the crevices of his consciousness and the reality behind those gazes, hyunjin didn't know that he had it on him to finally admit something.

was felix the one running away or was it him? _don't tell his dumb self that it was him, he wouldn't be able to take it._ he keeps on thinking about how he's going to lose felix when in fact, he's the one who's already drifted away.

he's rowing the latency of the waves and soaring its emptiness.

the madness, the depth and the anonymity it beholds scares him, but not anything like how felix scares him.

_so yeah, maybe he's in love._

because if not, then why would a message from felix make him tear up?

_**yongbokkie.** _

_you don't want to, do you?_

_it's fine :)_

_take care, hyunjin_

_just message me, if you need me_

_i need you every single day of my life, felix._ why can't you see that? why can't you see me?

why can't you see that the hyunjin you all are trying to cheer up only need you for his _dumbass_ to finally stop dreading waking up?

 _damn. it hurts_.

but a dumbass that he is probably needed to be hurt.

"hyung, _what should i do_?"

━━


	7. lonely.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyunjin didn't want to use his loneliness as the reason for his actions anymore.

hyunjin stared at the floor far too long to be left unnoticed by the supposed gamer inside the room. his feet were parallel to the ground and though it was covered with a gartered garment, this night felt a lot colder than any other nights.

it has been three days since felix last texted him. it has been a week since felix last invited him to a _date,_ or just what hyunjin wanted to call it, and it has been more than weeks, months even, since he started to realize and see felix in a different light.

the funny thing about looking at felix is that he's not just the only one who's stretching his neck to stare. there were- _are_ others.

and that other is felix's roommate.

changbin meant a lot to hyunjin and hyunjin for sure knew that changbin meant just as much as to felix.

whether it was platonically or romantically staring, hyunjin didn't seem to care. rather, he didn't want to care at all.

he didn't even _have the right_ to begin with so what is he doing right in front of felix and changbin's room, staring down at his feet, tapping his toes on the wooden floor, gripping his wrist with his fingers and letting his untied strands cover his mortified face?

what the _hell_ was he doing?

hyunjin felt a presence behind him. it momentarily stopped and peeked over his tall, broad shoulders. he didn't need to know who it was as he felt a pair of arm circling around his waist.

they were _thin_ which was the usual, _fragile_ and covered. a loose piece of clothing, swallowing the wholeness of those short limbs inside, almost making hyunjin puke and lean over the wall as he heard minho's voice ringing around his head for the fourth time this day.

the clock was signaling midnight. the long hand was pointing at the number ten and the short hand was in between the eleven and the twelve. what more can he do in a span of ten minutes then?

more of, _what can this little boy hugging his waist could offer to him then?_

"now you're lonely so you decided to come to my room?"

hyunjin wasn't a cheater, yet he felt like he was being accused. was he lonely for his sake? _yes, fuck, i am very lonely._ but he didn't open his mouth to ramble that.

you can't really expect him to state a whole prose narrating how lonely he is just because he's lovesick, can you? _right?_

"is the invitation for the league still up?" hyunjin bit his lip and rubbed his forehand using his thumb.

it didn't help him when the arms wrapping around his waist tightened and pulled him against his chest. it also didn't help him when a flesh, a pair of lips, pink and soft, was planted at the tip of his earlobe, whispering _sinister_ wordsover his catholic embodiment.

he prayed.

_so he can no longer regret._

"i am not playing anything right now. i was just watching some anime. do you want to watch with me?"

 _then play me. play with my heart, play with my feelings. pull up my soul, leave my body astray._ if he gets to be with you just for the rest of the ticking ten minutes and next hours, then _do_ it, felix, play _with_ him, play _on_ him and play _in_ him. stir up his coil, until he can no longer hold it in and finally groan.

so that he won't use his loneliness as the reason to finally see you.

" _i am so sorry_."

"i know you are. but _don't be_. i understand."

_haha. what did you understand? that i'm a loser? who feels threatened at whoever is near you? that i'm coward, the epitomy of idiocra-_

"i understand you more than anybody else in this household hyunjin. so can you please trust me a little bit more?"

_you're wrong, felix. straight up wrong._

it's not you who he doesn't trust, it's himself.

so when you dragged him inside your room still having your arms around his waist and locked the door, hyunjin had to look at his feet again.

he can't look at you.

_he'll devour you._

━━


	8. sorry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyunjin just wanted to apologize for everything that he did up to this day. so _sorry, felix._

felix pushed his face further to the crook of hyunjin's neck, adamant to the obvious heat that spread through the fairness of hyunjin's skin and the bolus that formed right inside his throat, tempting him to scowl at the overwhelming feeling. hyunjin feels like his head is going to burst, his ears are going to fall off and his _chest, oh his chest_ , how can felix remain calm while his chest roars inside that lone room?

felix was always touchy and cuddly. he seems to find comfort when skin touches his very own, tucked inside someone's arms and though seasons are divided into phases of warmth and cold, felix would always _find_ ways to touch someone. just like this midnight.

"lix, it's hot," hyunjin didn't want to impose, but the way felix was caressing his bare neck and pushing his weight to hyunjin's torso were all summing up to this _certain_ feeling that hyunjin didn't want to put a name.

they were supposed to watch a movie or an anime for that matter. but felix managed to turn that tide around and be caught up in hyunjin's long limbs and frowning face. the pain in his face was evident, the curiosity and also the _love— wait, the what?_ hyunjin couldn't believe it himself either. in felix's eyes were the admiration that his mouth couldn't bother speaking, the way his eyelashes flutter and make butterflies shy away from their existence, the way his freckles, the charming point, one that felix hated the most, are placed casually around and on his face, traveling downward his cheeks, to his neck and now to his collarbones— _hyunjin could see all of them_.

"you are wearing tank top, hyunjin. what are you saying?"

all he's been saying is that he's drowning.

drowning in this feeling that does not seem to subside and will probably not subside any sooner. he's drowning in this long list of what to love about felix and why he should be loved, together with the list of why he shouldn't love felix and how wrong everything was.

how wrong it was for a mere idol like him to be feeling things for his co-member, for his friend, and how wrong it was to ask felix to feel the same way that he is feeling right now.

"you're right above me, lix. your body heat it adding up to mine and _it's really hot_."

although the room was dark and only the light from felix's computer was illuminating them, hyunjin who was staring too hard at the blank ceiling knew that felix was smiling. he didn't know if it was because of the fact that he memorized felix's facial features down to those usual exposed skin, or because it was of the fact that felix locked his hips in between his knees and purred over his face with a slight pout, his hair dangling around his very _beautiful_ face, looking like the entire galaxy that hyunjin was ready to be sunk in.

 _too whipped_.

"you're too confusing for me to read, hyunjin."

_i know, felix. i know._

_and i am sorry if i am._

_i am sick of myself too._

"one day you're going to rub your face all over me and then push me away like i'm nothing. don't get me wrong, _i understand you, i always do_ , but what the _fuck_ is happening to you?"

right.

what's happening to him?

he didn't want to be like this either, felix, trust him. he didn't even imagine himself to be waking up every single day, searching for your good morning messages and late night messages asking him to take care of himself and feel pretty and important afterwards like the group's fans didn't _do_ it enough. he didn't even think that one day he'll dance with all of you, singing, rapping, practicing a certain song only for his eyes to watch you wipe your sweat, watch your hands brush your hair and watch you mouth drink water.

he didn't even know that he _was falling_ , so now, he fell.

"i'm sorry, felix. i just don't know what to do—"

"with what, hyunjin? with what?"

_with me, with you, with myself and yourself, with the group, with my shit and most importantly, with my love for you._

you are his angel, his mythical creature, his fairy, the elf, the baby and the babe. you're everything that all pet names his mind could think of stands for. you're his everything, the everything and one mistake, _just one_ , could lead to his everything becoming his nothing.

so he's really sorry, felix.

_please, accept him._

"with my performance for next week. it's been a while since i danced alone without _you_."

━━


	9. too less for a too much.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> felix was small and hyunjin was big. did anyone expect anything?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, this was in my drafts for 5 days now and i only got the time to edit it today.
> 
> anyway, skz's mama performance was so good and can i just say royal!hyunlix au where?

to say that hyunjin is nervous is an understatement because the way his hand sweat profusely was stating the otherwise. to say also that he's nervous due to his performance is also an understatement because though his performance is one nerve-wracking, he was more nervous of the fact that felix was right there, inside the dressing room where he wasn't supposed to be, playing with his phone as hyunjin struggled to sight over his body that sprawled on the couch, waiting for hyunjin to finally spare him some attention.

hyunjin didn't have any chance to hide himself from the prying eyes of the older women touching his hair and face as hyunjin gulped down a bolus of air, saliva and worries, shifting his gaze quickly from felix's contorted face to his very own filtered eyes.

they were blue.

and _god_ do they complimented his long, blonde hair.

felix almost cursed as he was a finger away from death in the gameplay. his pointing finger and ring finger doing wonders to the screen of his phone, his legs jerking up everytime he shot a head and the muffled profanities that he kept inside his chest were all signs of his presence inside the room that no one ever asked for.

_except for hyunjin but that was a secret._

he didn't have something to do inside that damped place. in fact, he had to practice some singing hours later, yet here he is, following his manager and hyunjin like a dog, waggling his tail to be noticed by his owner.

hyunjin knew that when he told felix that he was so nervous for this performance, though it was a lie, felix would do something about it, and it wasn't a mistake at all as felix managed to succumb his whole body to hyunjin and caressed his neck using his nose and a bit of his hair strands. felix made him feel things, _again,_ that he didn't know was capable of feeling.

felix cooed at him and held his hand under the dance of the moonlight and flies, his low voice speaking english right at his ears, running down shivers straight from his nape down to his lower back and felix's _eyes_ are just glinting.

shining. illuminating. glistening. 

lighting up a flame inside his coil that he didn't want to encourage feeling.

"then that's a more reason to come-"

 _no, felix. you shouldn't come._ hyunjin was very determined to let felix know that.

but here felix is. throwing his phone at the corner of the room where hyunjin's suitcase was open, patting his another long blonde hair that threatened to poke his eyes, pulling his big black shirt to the middle of his thighs, stretching and longing for hyunjin who was fighting his hardest to look at his blue eyes and never at felix.

 _again_ , to say that he is nervous was a complete understatement- felix wasn't supposed to be here nor was he supposed to cling on to hyunjin's arms like it was an extension of his very own. felix wasn't supposed to stand beside him when the other stylist work their way around hyunjin, trying to blend the eyeshadow that is now no longer of hyunjin's concern. 

it was the way felix's small fingers crept on to his palm and massaged his hand in an attempt to ease the nervousness but seemingly failed to do so as it added up to his worries.

hyunjin was thankful, honestly, and he appreciated the gesture.

but felix was so small.

his fingers were small too. his palms, his face and that tiny gawk he chirped as hyunjin tightened his grip on him-- _everything about him was small_ that it almost pains hyunjin to admit.

"your fingers are so small, lix."

"talk about the obvious." felix said with a grunt and a roll of his eyes.

hyunjin almost lost felix _again_ by the time felix pulled his hand from hyunjin. 

a finger worked their way to hyunjin's hair, combing it to the side, about to braid a part of it down to his nape, but hyunjin chose to chase for felix's wrist.

"no, _stay_."

hyunjin didn't want to see the way felix's face immediately changed from what he said. he didn't want to be hopeful and hurt himself further as the time passes, pushing him off to the edge of the cliff of not wanting to be _that_ crazy in love. hyunjin didn't want so many things like the way he was forced to wear contact lenses or the way his scalp was aching from all the serum, but one most important thing that hyunjin didn't want was to make felix cry. 

but felix wasn't crying nor was he sad.

he was beaming, a light chuckle erupted from his chest as he skipped over to hyunjin's side, pulling a stool to reside at his left and held on to his hand like his life depended on it.

maybe it wasn't felix who was like a dog following hyunjin around waiting for his name to be called and a treat to be tossed over. maybe it was him.

because even if felix's small hands are _too less_ for a man that he is, at least felix fits perfectly inside him-- the _too much_.

and that matters.

_right?_

"that's all i ever wanted to hear, hyunjin."

━━


	10. his fault.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no one deserved to be blamed, but here's hyunjin simply admitting that everything is indeed _his fault_.

was it hyunjin's fault if he felt a little bit hurt when felix actually stayed and held his hand? was it _his_ fault if he felt like the world had stopped and only their lingering eyes flickered amidst the blinding lights? was it _his_ fault if he eventually had to let go and look back at the demanding eyes of the stylist before standing up, leaving felix without saying a goodbye?

it was probably his fault.

but can you blame him?

hyunjin prepared himself beforehand. he knew that felix had that effect on him. even with the slightest brush of their hands makes him feel soft, the way felix laugh and even the way he bounced up and down when he's overly excited-- all of those already made hyunjin ask the land to open up and eat him up.

he already knew that his heart would beat so fast and might break his ribs. he already knew that his eyebrows would meet each other, his neck would hurt too as they stretch out and that his lips wouldn't be able to take it as it longs for felix's very own.

hyunjin _already_ knew.

but he's just a lone boy, struggling to bottle his feelings inside, as he put up a fierce face that everyone seemed to love. he's just a mere boy, nothing so special, that is in love with someone who probably treats everyone the way he treats hyunjin. he's just _a_ hyunjin, what makes him so special?

the heat emitted from the lights were pricking his skin. he was wearing a leather jacket, a leather pants and a choker. he was wearing all of these to hide his skin but never hide his life.

he's nothing, _please,_ he should be nothing.

but those _fucking_ eyes that always looked at him and even cheer at him right below the stage makes him feel like he can be everything. not just everything, but _his_ everything.

can you really blame him?

when there is nothing to hate about felix? when there is no one thing that hyunjin could use just to redact his feelings and statements of romance?

hyunjin breathed out for the last time as his gaze went stronger the moment the song ended. the camera focused on him and even went meters nearer to his face just to capture a glimpse of those weeping eyes.

the recording ended and everyone was out of their trance clapping, shuffling and even commending hyunjin for his good job, but he didn't care at all.

all his eyes had longed for was that one person wearing a white mask with his eye smile waiting for hyunjin to run down to him and be caught inside his arms.

that's all.

"that was so cool, jinnie!"

 _was it?_ but even if felix thought it was cool, it was not what he was waiting to hear from felix. _was it just cool, felix?_

hyunjin walked pass the arm of their manager that reaches out the facial tissues to dry his face and went straight up to felix, pushed his face inside the crook of felix's neck and shoulders, and didn't think twice about how disgusting his sweat must've felt like in that cold room.

despite all the thoughts that run inside hyunjin's head, felix still managed to put them into a halt.

"if only i don't love you enough, i would have pushed you away from me, you sticky human being."

 _haha_.

this was why he didn't want felix to stay. he's not sure if he can control himself anymore. he's not even in the right mind to actually be hearing those words from felix and feel felix's hand wipe away his sweat. he's not sure anymore, at all, he's not—

"stop saying that like you mean it."

 _fuck_. he really couldn't control himself anymore.

hyunjin felt felix froze for a while. though his eyes stared far longer at the floor, hyunjin knew better than anyone to finally push himself away from felix and smile at the staffs that watched them lovingly embrace the sweat. it wasn't an unusual concept. most of the other groups did just the same as them, but what differs is hyunjin.

how do you stop feeling something for someone who tells you everyday that he loves you and that you should believe yourself a little bit more? how?

"oh? but i do mean it, hyunjin. you're the only one who says that i don't."

 _god, felix. am i actually the only one who says that?_ hyunjin almost tore his choker off his neck to finally release the breath that he was holding. one that he knew for sure that he _was_ holding. he looked around and saw the same facial tissues offered by their manager and wiped his sweat aggressively, taking a bit of his foundation off his face.

it was deafening.

_what is?_

"you always stay silent when i say that i mean it. it's pretty normal for me to love you, hyunjin. you're stray kids."

the screams of his heart and mind were deafening. he might bleed.

"yeah, i _am_ stray kids." _but i am hyunjin too, felix. when will you see me?_

━━

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter made me sad... but it gets better, promise!


	11. i should(n't).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there are a list of things that hyunjin should and should _not_ do and among those is kissing felix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so painful for me to write but don't worry, the pain will end soon. _i think_.

hyunjin found himself trapped, encaged and chained to those vengeful eyes, button nose and plump lips. he found himself, again, inside that four corners of felix's room where all that rose up from his stomach were flowers of sins. he found himself captivated, pushing him down to the comfort of somebody else's bed. without the supposed members inside the co-shared room of felix's, felix sure knew how to thrill hyunjin up and shut his mouth.

"tell me this isn't real."

hyunjin wanted to say that it's not-- that none of what they've been both feeling are real. he's desperate too, felix.

"get off me, lix."

hyunjin never thought he'd resort to pleading just to push felix away from his body. but there was felix, scrunching up his nose, snorting a sound and almost laughed at the desperate voice he had heard from hyunjin.

"tell me, hyunjin. you're not actually running away from me, aren't you?"

the thing about being under the small stature of felix is that hyunjin can definitely see every lines, wrinkles, fleck of remaining foundation and freckles has. the room was silent, albeit too silent, that if felix ever tried to concentrate really well, he'd definitely hear hyunjin's thumping heart.

the stress was shooting in his veins, travelling faster than the mere words that he could've mumbled to push felix off. there wasn't anything that halts the two of them, it was them, _purely_ just them. one move can be their very own ticket to the hell gates and that one certain move can definitely change their lives as well.

"why would i run from you? you don't deserve that."

it wasn't romantic. the ambience, the humid and their tangling legs didn't feel romantic. his flat back against the mattress and felix's hands planted beside his head were not particularly romantic.

but he is _hopeless._

one that strives to reach far deeper than any of the men living inside that unit touches. one that looks, stares, watches felix intently-- absorbing his majesty like a sea creature and letting himself wander in the mystery of their gazes.

and a romantic, at that too.

"when will you believe me?" 

_believe what felix?_

_"i love you, hyunjin."_

_fucking hell. don't say that-_

"why _can't_ you believe me?"

 _i said don't fucking say that._ hyunjin knew that he should be grateful to be hearing those words from felix and that he should cower and coo, melt into joy and pure ecstatic. but how can he believe felix if all that he's feeling right now is pain?

was his heart knocking at his ribs because it was asking to be freed? probably. 

then maybe, he _can_ set it free?

"it hurts, felix. don't say that you love me."

hyunjin saw felix's mouth open, his hooded eyes breaking their eye contact and his teeth catching that lower lip. _one move, felix, one last move_.

"don't make this even harder for me, please."

hyunjin is everything that you can name him. he's a coward, a lovesick, a born sinner, pathetic, liar at that and a hopeless romantic. he desires to be touched, to be nagged at, to be told good nights, to be whispered confessions during a lustful night. he desires someone, he desires felix, _heck,_ he even desires felix's body.

but he knows when to step out of the line and call it a boundary. he knows when to bite his tounge and stop his dying urge to push himself forward and smash his lips against felix. he knows when to put down the flames of his desires, lulling his awoke touch-deprived skin, forcing it so succumb and be tucked in the aroma, sweat and feeling of felix.

he knows just when to stop, _but never when to start._

"i _fucking_ love you, what's there to hurt you? is it because you don't love me back?" _but you told me i am stray kids, felix, you told me-_

"you think this is hard for you? then what is it for me? you think i'm just playing it cool? you think i'm just that brownie boy that cooks for everyone just because? you _actually_ think i had it in me to feed you, and you only, watch you, cheer for you, and _stay_ with you because hey, i don't love you enough-"

_if only you knew, felix. if only you could see yourself through my eyes, you'd know, you'd learn and maybe you'd feel._

_i love you enough to end all of this and runaway for you. with you._

"yeah, maybe that's it. maybe you are that person who just needs to stay pretty right there on the corner while my body is aching for you. maybe, yes, whatever. just please-"

hyunjin felt so small. how can he turn from being the tallest member to feeling the smallest in just a blink? how can he listen to felix rambling about something that he wanted to hear for the longest time? how can he _just_ lie there and watch felix's mouth open and close with the words that didn't seem clear to listen to anymore?

how?

"if it aches for me, then why not claim me?"

_because you're felix._

_i can't touch you. i can't love you. i can't kiss you._

_but fuck, i want to._

"because i will destroy you."

_aaaaaa. i should've kissed you._

_━━_


	12. he was wrong.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything in hyunjin's life felt wrong and only felix was the right one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry for not writing an update sooner, but yeah, i'm back. _somehow_.

hyunjin knew he should talk to felix. try to sort things out with him. maybe at least try to do something about what happened to him. he knew that he should clarify anything-- _everything_ with felix. because the longer he stares at his ceiling just, like the first time he realized that he has feelings for the younger, the longer his chest aches.

felix was _undoubtedly_ mad at him. felix was ignoring his presence, like how hyunjin did that months ago. felix was not even looking at him and it bothers hyunjin to the end of his bones, fingers and toes. it makes his toes curl up, his neck itch and his head hurt from everything that he had to hear from jeongin.

so once again, hyunjin was feeling his legs be poked up by the youngest, urging him to move away from the bed that strangles him and walk towards where felix was waiting.

was waiting.

 _waiting_.

_god damn it. why was felix waiting for me?_

there are a lot of questions that hyunjin demanded an answer to. maybe from felix or maybe from himself. he doesn't even know it anymore. he doesn't even know himself anymore. he doesn't know if he has the right to even touch felix the way they used to touch each other. he doesn't know if he has it in him, still, _anymore_ , to stare at felix without tearing up, without wanting to pull felix's face into him and just smash his lips onto him, without lunging forward and taking everything felix has to offer.

was he a good man? a good child?

probably not.

because if he is, he wouldn't be reprimanded by the youngest when he should've been the role model.

"i swear to jesus hyung, just talk to him."

you know jeongin, hyunjin wants to. if he can shout that out just for everyone to know that he misses felix, his voice, his contagious laugh, his brownies, his scrambled egg, his arms, his hair, his eyes, nose, ears, lips, and the entirety of felix, he definitely would.

but how can he talk to felix when he's not even sure of what to talk about?

"do you really expect me to slide up to lix and tell him 'hey i like you'?"

"yeah? why are you so dumb sometimes?"

 _sometimes?_ _just sometimes? haha._

hyunjin also knew that he's not wrong. he's not doing anything wrong. he's just a lone boy, in his 20s, with his raging hormones and affection-deprived body and self that found comfort in felix. he's not doing anything wrong for liking felix, for loving felix. he's not doing anything wrong for liking his bandmate, his friend, his supposed bestfriend. he's not doing anything wrong--

_but why does it feel wrong?_

"jeongin, i'll hurt felix. i'll play him, _fuck_ things over, destroy him even. i'll just-"

"why are you deciding for yongbok-hyung? and play him? you're crying and you're telling me that you are going to play with felix's feelings?"

"wasn't that expected from me?"

_wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong._

he could never play with felix's feelings. not now, not tomorrow, not ever. he could never hurt felix, he could never do any of _that_ to felix.

he'd rather suffer, writhe, cry into despair and agony.

he'd rather do it himself, if he get to see felix smiling.

because a happy felix would mean a happy hyunjin.

 _trust him_.

_wrong. wrong. wrong--_

"hyung, smiling can also mean pain. just because felix-hyung is smiling does it mean you get to just do nothing."

_wrong. wrong. wrong--_

_jeongin please, you're wrong._

the moment he did nothing, he already did something.

"i love felix so much, jeongin. _so much. a little too much_. and that hurts."

when his mother told him that there can never be too less and too much of a something because that's bad, he didn't want to believe that. when his mother told him that too much leads to something that will lack, he also didn't want to believe that. come on-- how can something that is too much would lack something? when his mother told him that one day he'll understand, he really never thought he will.

felix occupies a large part of him that whenever felix is gone he feels like he couldn't function anymore. 

maybe he was right on doing nothing, on forcing himself to believe that felix wouldn't want him this way, that felix wouldn't want a sad hyunjin, a very lovesick hyunjin, a greedy hyunjin that would keep felix in and on to himself without sharing. maybe he was right to just let felix go, to just let felix stray away, to just let felix pitifully watch him at the doorframe-- _fuck._

_wrong. wrong. wrong._

_you're so fucked up, hyunjin._

_you're always wrong._

"hyunjin wouldn't want to talk to me so can you please tell him something for me, innie?"

and jeongin nodded.

"if it hurts so much, _too_ much, he can always share them with me."

jeongin didn't need to speak anymore because the message was loud and clear. by the time that felix walked past through hyunjin's room, the only thing hyunjin could let out was his ugly sob.

_wrong. wrong. wrong--_

_right._

he didn't want to feel helpless anymore. he didn't want to feel like he's of anyone's mercy, but only the heaven knows how hard he will give everything up, risk all of him and his, just to give felix what he deserved.

he was wrong. he knew he was.

but felix was the only thing that's right. he cannot let that slip past through his grasp.

maybe felix did hear him when he said, "then take me."

_━━_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twt: @hiddenclawsof


	13. scared? scared. scared!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why is he so scared of felix when he's more of a reason to be _this_ scared?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is actually one of my favorite chapters that i wrote. and this fic might end already, i can only think of a few more things to add so an early thanks to everyone who read it!

hyunjin didn't understand the way felix barged into his room and asked minho and seungmin get out nicely. he also didn't understand the reason why felix chose to confront him in the middle of the day, whilst he sob over a korean drama in an attempt to pry his mind off from thinking of felix. one way or another, hyunjin just does everything he could in his spare time because no matter what the clock strikes and tells, felix is there. inside his mind. living  _ rent-free _ .

so when felix dragged his feet across the floor with seemingly loud thuds, hyunjin felt himself tense up and held his phone like it called for his life. none of the dialogues from the actors and actresses went to his ear and all that he's been hearing are felix's ragged breath, clicking fingers and dropping of feet.

"i can't take this anymore, hyunjin."

_ neither can i, felix.  _ he wanted to say that out loud. but hyunjin remained looking straight at his gadget though he felt felix's presence beside him.  _ oooooh, he must've felt so mad,  _ if hyunjin was able to feel felix's fuming anger to where he lied. 

hyunjin should be scared by now. of all the things that he didn't understand, he should've known that felix, the entirety of felix, is the one that he couldn't understand, even once-- so when felix pulled his phone away from his hand, hyunjin  _ should've  _ been scared by now.

because felix was staring down at his soul, like he was ready to captivate hyunjin and take him away from his misery.

but how--  _ literally, how  _ can he be scared of a person that is everything to him?

"i can't watch you looking like that!"

"looking like what?"

it was bitter. the taste of his last words felt like they would scratch him, wound him up and  _ kill  _ him. it was bitter. so unlike the usual banter he always had with felix right before he decided to shut everything off and drown in his feelings. it was bitter.  _ god damn it was. _

hyunjin felt the need to hide himself from the covers of his bed and pray that the members wouldn't run to where they are because of felix's growl. but felix was looking like someone had hurt him,  _ real good _ , and it's such a scary thought to think that it was him who caused that.

"if you don't want to be with me, then fine. but stop looking like that--"

"looking like  _ what _ , felix?"

"looking like you lost it all when i'm  _ right here _ , i'm  _ still _ here."

_ hahahahahahahaha. you know what, fuck this shit.  _

_ fuck everything that stops me. _

_ fuck everyth-- _

hyunjin didn't need to be told twice to push himself up and away from his bed. he angrily took felix's hand and tugged him to his body, a mere half a ruler of a distance between their faces. he tried to be subtle, to remain silent. he tried to stop himself from screaming, from declaring to everyone just how hard and how much felix meant to him. he tried  _ too  _ hard,  _ please! _

_ it's scary. _

"are you not afraid of me?"

hyunjin felt felix tense, a hateful demeanor evident on his stature. his lips thinned out and his brows furrowed, probably ready to slap hyunjin right there and then.

"what's there to be afraid of you?"

_ i don't know? i don't know. i don't know! _

the desperation in the way his mind narrated each of those statements with their different punctuations scares hyunjin. just to what extent does he want to feel, listen and taste felix?  _ it's too scary. _

"because i told you, i will destroy you. i will hurt you. i will do all those things that you never imagined me with. lix, look-"

"jinnie-" 

_ no please, don't call me that.  _

"is it me who should be afraid of you or is it you?"

_ fucking hell. _

why did felix have to be always right? just why did felix know exactly where to push his buttons and force an ugly cry from him?  _ come on, why? _ it's too scary. the situation is scary, felix is scary, he, too, is scary-- every little thing just screams off their lungs out to his mind and scares him to his nails.

_ scary! scary-- please, stop scaring me.  _ hyunjin didn't understand felix at all, but does he ever really need to? felix looked like he didn't need to make himself be understood. he looked so confident despite being so enraged, he looked exactly just like how hyunjin looked before. like he was ready to risk it all.

"you know, i didn't kiss you then because there's no going back, hyunjin. and i don't intend to go back. but, do you?"

a gawk. a gawk is what escaped from hyunjin's lips. the hand that he gripped earlier is now the one that's gripping on his large one. his eyes couldn't even open entirely as he tried to hide and bury his tears away from felix's sight. he must've looked so bad right now with his mess of hair, wrinkled clothes, almost drooling lips, tearing eyes and lowered neck.

he was so scared.

because if felix was ready to risk it all, he wasn't even ready to risk his all--  _ his felix, his everything. _

"i'm scared of losing you, lix. what if it won't work? what if we drift apart? what if--"

"then we'll make it work, hyunjin. i told you, i don't intend to go back.  _ god, i want to kiss you so bad. _ "

hyunjin felt felix's hand on his cheeks, wiping the streams away. it was so soft, so warm, so light and felt like he was untouched. felix always treated him the best, so why did he treat felix so bad? 

_ aaaaah. i should've been scared of myself. _

"i want you to."

_ ━━ _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha? ;)


	14. the answer is right there.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if the questions are too overwhelming, sometimes you have to take it all in and look around. the answer is right there. _right there._

**_epilogue._ **

hyunjin had everything-- the looks, the money, the reputation, the dance, the voice, the body and the group. hyunjin had everything-- a happy family, a cute dog and _the_ kids. hyunjin had everything. every _little_ thing. sometimes he thinks to himself whether he deserved any of that he received, whether the amount of blood, sweat, and tears he shed were equally enough to the hope and happiness passed on to him.

his legs always wavered from excessive dancing, his vocal chords were always strained, they fail to spit out words and rhymes whenever they were needed and his face always looked like it already gave up. the light in his eyes has been long dead, the passion in his chest, gritting through his digits were gone, flew, like the wind thought it was light enough.

but sometimes, it is not about those that already died in him, those that screamed in him, those that he lost and missed so much. it was _fairly_ okay to live in the moment of past, but never to the totality of it.

he knew he had so much to look for. _come on,_ there is still a fire ignited in him. among those that withered is a flower that bloomed, blooms and is still blooming. something still have a life, something is still striving, thriving and running. something is putting work to his gears, something is there, inside his arms, a little snore coming out of his little mouth, wearing the same black hoodie he had asked before.

the moment of living in the past is always surreal and nostalgic. if hyunjin went back and tried to watch himself aching so bad to touch felix like this, he'd probably laugh and hit his own head. sometimes, the answer to the question is there. somewhere in the corners of their studio room, hiding underneath jisung's bag as he looked for his cell phone, or hiding inside changbin's pockets as they look for the missing hashbrown. the answer to the question is there. somewhere inside chan's studio, right beside the pillow he set to sleep for a mere half an hour after a day of being awake, or the smell of the chicken broth that minho prepared when the members are too sore to move. sometimes, the answer to the question is there. inside the bathroom as they looked for their yet another missing earphones or inside the refrigerator when they're too hung up to the feeling of the bed that they forget to take out their own breakfast. sometimes, _you know,_ sometimes, the answer is literally there. in front of you.

things are not complicated, life is very much not complicated, but the thing about it is that people wanted it to be complicated. _what ifs._ the questions that always rung the minds of the most is there to mock you, but being a what if is already a mere reason to continue seeking for the answers.

what if he told felix earlier? would felix actually be sleeping on his bed like this while he faces minho's gentle smile and jeongin's wink? what if he never told felix and let felix bum inside the shithole of his room, would felix actually try to kiss him and mutter the confessions of love, sins, mistakes, lust and lies? what if he never entertained the idea of liking felix? would he look at the same ceiling, like that night, but now without the remorse but full of content?

_what if?_

sometimes, the answer is there. nudging his hair against his neck and craned out his head to look for hyunjin's sleep-deprived face, "why aren't you sleeping? we have a recording to do tomorrow," and now almost scolded him for failing to wink a blink and drift off to sleep.

sometimes, the answer is there. smiling brightly when hyunjin planted a kiss onto his forehead and then travelled down to the bits of his freckles that scattered on his lids, "it's so hot with you clinging on me like this, i can't sleep," hyunjin said, forcing a huff from the younger and a roll of his eyes as he detached himself from hyunjin, laying on his back, using hyunjin's arm as his pillow.

sometimes, the answer is there. closing his eyes once again, humming a short acknowledgement to force hyunjin to sleep at least a little bit and snored the appreciation of hyunjin's, away.

sometimes, the answer is there. living with him. cooking for him. baking for him. feeding him. cheering him. hugging him even if he's all sweaty. holding his hand when he's nervous and cursing the heavens just for hyunjin to finally give up and initiate a kiss. sometimes-- _most of the time,_ the answer is there, felix is there, he never left. he never drifted away. he never lost felix. he was staying, just like how hyunjin asked him, but now even closer to him, closer, _closer,_ knocking on his heart, asking for hyunjin to allow him to enter.

what ifs? it is never right or wrong to ask them to yourself and find the answers. it is never wrong to rack your brain, wanting to ease the pain your body is feeling. what ifs are questions that demanded answers. and whatever it is that you choose, there's nothing right or wrong.

only that you finally chose.

if only felix could see what hyunjin sees through his eyes, then maybe felix would cry from all the emotions, would feel all the pain that hyunjin has to think through, and love himself a little bit more.

because in hyunjin's eyes, it was not the fame that made all his sufferings worth it.

it was felix.

so when he his mind makes up yet another question, all he has to do is to look around his room, dorm, studio and surroundings. whether it may be the members who's going to give him a heads up or felix himself, it's okay, it's alright.

because the answer would always be there.

it may not be felix, it may be a yes or no, it may be some scientific, philosophical thing that someone has to come up with. or maybe a curse from felix's mouth as he blame his teammates for losing in a game. maybe chan's silent nod or seungmin's kick on his shin. it can also be jisung's loud mouth, or changbin's attempt to take his worries away.

it can be anything, really.

and it does not really matter anymore.

as long as he's with felix, all is well. all will be well.

_my felix._

_━━_

© z | 2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now that this has finally ended, i want to thank everyone that left so much love for this fic. your kudos, comments and words of appreciation really made me go through the latter part of my 2020. i know most of the parts of this fic has been so angsty and i sometimes want to hit myself because _why am i so sad_. but love is not always rainbows. loving someone can also hurt, can break you and can make you do things that you didn't know you could. there may be hurdles, but if love is committed at the right time and right place, then there is no reason to run.
> 
> this was supposed to be a 4 chaptered fic but i figured that it would be hard to explore hyunjin's feeling with only 4 chapters so i went ahead and probably didn't imagine myself to make at least 10 plus chapters about it. it wasn't too long, i know, the chapters are written between 800-1000 words, but even if they are, i am really grateful to _you_ who still reads it.
> 
> with this, i hope that everyone will greet the new year with a blast!
> 
> happy new year, everyone.
> 
> love, z.
> 
> twt: @hiddenclawsof


End file.
